Are the Inmates Running the Zoo? Five Simple Words to Great Parenting 
By Monica A. Dixon, Ph.D., R.D
At a presentation in a small, Midwestern community this past spring, I was presented with an interesting yet scary scenario by an audience member. “My wife and I can’t stand the way our 17-year old daughter leaves her room like a pig sty, but when we tell her to clean it up, she just yells F… Y… at us. What can we do?”
A classic case of the inmates running the zoo. More and more often audiences are asking questions relating to parenting concerns, and over the years I sense a general feeling of loss of control from parents regarding their children. It seems that for many baby boomer aged parents, relinquishing the authoritarian parenting practices of their parents leaves a vacuum that doesn’t get filled with more effective parenting techniques. Instead, they languish somewhere between “Let it all hang out” and ignoring the problem, even though these parents are desperate for new ways of raising good children.
In May we looked at the five word technique of “This Much and No More” for setting personal boundaries with friends, an employer or family members. This same technique is very effective when dealing with children, especially beginning at an early age.
The first step is to determine, with your spouse if married, what your line in the sand will be. How clean DO you expect their rooms? How late past their curfew will you tolerate? What grades will you accept? How many friends will you allow in the house at a time? Decide what behaviors are your highest expectations and that you will accept no alternatives. Remember that many of these decisions will change as they show increasing maturity, so be sure to know your bottom line. For example, when our children were young, we never accepted one vulgar word to be said in our home. As they have become teens, we now allow the more ubiquitous words, but draw the line at those we find extremely offensive.
The second step is to convey these expectations to the children. “This is how I expect your room to look when you are done cleaning. I expect you home by midnight and no later. There is only one friend allowed in the house at a time. When we are ready to leave for church, you will be dressed in a collared shirt and wearing a belt (another line in the sand that has eased as they’ve grown older!).”
The third step becomes more difficult for many parents. The “This much…” part is fairly simple, but the “ …and no more” step is more difficult. This is where the consequences must come in and be consistently followed through with each and every time. Surprisingly, the early phases of this are the most difficult, and of course easiest when they are younger. Once they understand you mean business, they act out less and less (The young lady in the first paragraph missed this entire aspect when she was younger!).
If the room isn’t clean to your expectations, they return over and over until it is. If their chores are not done on time and appropriately, they automatically receive an additional one for each time they complain. If they whine over candy in the grocery store, they are carted home until you can return to pick up your groceries (If parents understood they would only have to do this once and it would never happen again, they would be much less fearful of pulling this move!) If they use vulgar language that offends you, they don’t go to their friends sleep over Friday night.
As children get older, they will inherently know that you don’t cross your boundary and will treat you and the house rules with respect. Wishing to give my kids increasingly more control over their own lives as they mature, I now suggest when they have a problem with one of our decisions, “Hey, make me a deal.” It is fun to watch how they will negotiate within the boundaries. “Okay, if I stay out until 12:30 just tonight I will call you at midnight to let you know where I am.” “If I promise to have the kitchen floor scrubbed before dinner, can I go outside with my friends?” We establish the boundary (curfew reverts to 11 PM or dinner isn’t eaten until the floor is scrubbed if they break the agreement). This gives them increasingly more control while maintaining our line in the sand.
It isn’t an easy time to raise kids, but if you ask any older individual, they are eager to say there has NEVER been an easy time. Draw your line in the sand and don’t fall for those puppy dog eyes.